A few months ago I posted about the possibility of too much empathy. For those of you with an extra-sensitive child, you’ve seen this phenomenon in action.

A very sensitive child can be so aggravated by the plight of another person that she is unable to help. In Szalavitz and Perry’s book Born for Love: Why Empathy is Essential- and Endangered, the authors cite a study of kindergarteners that illustrates the point:

[One] study, which had kindergartners play the roles of children who were sick or in pain, found that those who measured highest on empathy beforehand were least likely to help others after they had played these roles.

In an effort to help my own sensitive child, Miss First-Grader, I stumbled upon a wonderful book. Dealing with Disappointment by Elizabeth Cary is an excellent parenting tool, more users manual than parenting philosophy. Cary offers very concrete strategies to help children learn to recognize, respect, and respond to their own emotions.

Cary emphasizes that this learning process, especially for very sensitive children, may take some time. We, as parents, must model good coping skills. We must take the time to coach our children in solving their own problems and calming their own fears so they have the room to learn. Cary does offer a number of wonderful hands on activities, from crafts to skits to songs, that can help children of all ages.

While the title, Dealing with Disappointment, implies a need to help your child with simple frustrations, the true gift of this book is emotional intelligence. I’m seeing slow, steady changes in my daughter as I help her learn new tools to calm herself in the face of extreme worry (and extreme empathy).

This is an excellent tool to help us keep sensitive children from being too empathetic to help.

Tags: Grown Up Books

About Sarah

Sarah Aadland is striving to make family volunteering a meaningful habit for her family of five. Join the conversation as she ponders what they may (or may not have) learned and looks for helpful information about raising compassionate kids.Though she plans to one day put her Masters in Public Policy back to work for social justice, she sees family volunteering as a way to build a stronger community, a better world, and a more connected family. In addition to her children, Sarah tends a large garden, a small flock of chickens, and a habit of mindfulness amid the necessary rituals of parenting.

View all posts by Sarah