Buckling up for a metaphorical bumpy ride from time to time as you enter a new job, experience a change in leadership, or encounter a developmental growth spurt is something that begins at birth and follows us until life’s conclusion. The winds of change blow strong. With children, we sometimes don’t see the changes themselves right away; instead, we see the impact of the changes in personal barometers of behavior and mood. How can we as supportive humans respond effectively to the need for change and see the purpose behind the disequilibrium?
People want and need to be seen. It is a fundamental characteristic of humans that we seek opportunities to connect with others in an authentic way. We want to feel noticed and valued as a member of the human community. We want to understand AND be understood. This connection is vital to our feelings of safety and happiness, and ultimately is foundational to our ability to work through challenges, think critically, be planful, and other executive function skills. How can adults use that in-born inclination to shine a light on actions that we wish to reinforce in our children?
As adults, we have a better sense of what is within our locus of control and how we can approach solving problems from our mature perspective, whereas young children see a lot of problems as big and insurmountable even if they are not. The good news is that we can cultivate the growth of our child’s sense of helpfulness over time in ways that match their developmental stage, while teaching about both agency AND the interconnectedness of humanity.
in the last few years, I have worked diligently to cultivate a growth mindset and to model that approach for my teenage children. The basic idea behind this concept is that by using “yet” at the end of a sentence, we reframe our approach to problems and retrain our brains to see challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.
The world in which we are helping our children to grow is not free from adversity, small or large. We cannot shield young people from the troubles of their community and world. And while it might make us caring adults feel better to try, research shows that doing so is not to their benefit, either. Children are innately curious and working continuously on relating to others as their empathy skills develop. They wonder about big questions like, “how am I similar or different to people I see suffering,” “could that happen to me,” and “my heart hurts for them; how do I help them.” Many who witness tragedy or challenges faced by other people in the world ask the same questions. How do we explain problems like poverty, mental illness, systemic racism, and violence to these small humans?
There is a certain amount of “Who am I?” and “Why are we here?” work that needs to happen during our early years. At Doing Good Together, we have found that a great deal of the inner work happens when kids have the opportunity to ask big questions with adults in their lives. Our latest post gives you the scientific benefits of philosophical inquiry and offers practical tools to get you started.
In his rendition of Stone Soup, Jon J Muth offers a lovely example of the way individual generosity can lead to a more compassionate community. Building on this inspiration, Doing Good Together offers several practical suggestions to help your family enrich your community in simple, everyday ways.
Giving your family routine a few big-hearted upgrades can make it easier to raise thoughtful, kind kids willing to reach out to that new student sitting alone at lunch or brave enough to stand with the student getting taunted by a bully. Ultimately these kind routines will help children become adults who strive to make a difference in the world.
I’ve been working with Doing Good Together for a long time, long enough to know how important it is to grow strong roots of kindness and courage before that first day of school. Habits of kindness will help forge new friendships. Regular volunteering gives kids a strong sense of empowerment, as they see themselves as helpers. This self-reliance translates to courage in the classroom, as well as on the playground.
Sharing compassion with others meets critical needs in our communities, even as it heals our spirits. With each act of service, our families can be a force for love and kindness, helping to heal our fractured country and connect meaningfully with those around us.
And along the way, our children will discover what it means to live an engaged and compassionate life.
Finding our tribe is good for our health. It's good for our jobs. It helps us live longer. But do our tribes limit our social experiences? We need to intentionally throw open the gates to new friendships and new social experiences if we’re going to expand our cultural boundaries and unlearn the prejudice that's unraveling our country.
The right book can do more than transport and entertain its readers. Powerful stories spark empathy for people we've never met. They inspire us to take action, to right injustices, or even simply to reach out to those around us. So how do you inspire your older child to put down the latest goofy series or dystopian saga and pick up a book full of big ideas?
